


moving on

by softambrollins



Series: our own private universe [6]
Category: Professional Wrestling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:21:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24244204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softambrollins/pseuds/softambrollins
Summary: "Yeah, but you're gonna leave sometime.Soon," Seth tells him, staring at him almost accusatory. Then he just sighs and his gaze falls from his face. "Maybe I just suck at moving on."Dean shakes his head slowly. "Moving on doesn't mean it doesn't matter anymore," he tells him quietly. "It means you hold on to the good parts, keep them inside you, and you leave the rest."
Relationships: Dean Ambrose | Jon Moxley/Seth Rollins | Tyler Black
Series: our own private universe [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1468705
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	moving on

They're lying in bed next to each other one lazy Sunday morning when Seth just looks across at him and says, "You know, sometimes I look around, in the ring or the locker room or whatever, and I still expect you to be there. It's like this deep, hollow aching in my chest. This wrongness. This absence. Maybe it'll always be there."

"Yeah, I feel you," Dean says casually, nodding at him. "Getting ganged up on all the time is starting to get old. I miss being on the other side of that, you know?"

"You _wanted_ that, though," Seth says, but there's no real heat in it. He's just smirking at him, half-amused, half-smug. Like _I told you so_.

"Yeah, but _you_ didn't want me to leave. You wanted me there with you. And I couldn't do that for you." Seth's happy that he's happy now, he knows that, but sometimes Dean still feels a tiny twinge of guilt over leaving. Maybe that won't ever go away either.

"Yeah, I did," Seth admits. "I still do. Even if it's selfish and unrealistic and… Maybe I should've always known. Because we've been walking away from this from the beginning. It's always been messy and chaotic and fucking crazy. That's just _us_. Always in flux. Never just… _staying_."

Dean's never stayed anywhere for long in his life. He's always just gone where the wind and his whims took him. Day by day. Across the country or across the ocean, never looking back, because he didn't have anything to leave behind. Not until Seth. Until he _wanted_ to stay, desperately, achingly, more than anything, but maybe it wasn't his choice anymore.

"Hey, I'm here now, aren't I?" Dean says, reaching over and resting his hand on Seth's, gently splaying his fingers over his palm until they loosely intertwine.

"Yeah, but you're gonna leave sometime. _Soon_ ," Seth tells him, staring at him almost accusatory. Then he just sighs and his gaze falls from his face. "Maybe I just suck at moving on."

Dean shakes his head slowly. "Moving on doesn't mean it doesn't matter anymore," he tells him quietly. "It means you hold on to the good parts, keep them inside you, and you leave the rest." 

It's taken him over a year now to really figure that out for himself. Dean may change and grow and travel thousands of miles away and years may pass and the world may become unrecognisable, but there's a place deep inside him, reserved for only the most precious things, where he always keeps Seth and Roman locked up tight. Safe and close to his heart and shielded, preserved by his treasured memories and his unwavering love, where the slow decay of time and distance can never touch them. They're like his own personal talisman, making him stronger as he wades into battle against any of the most formidable foes who want to challenge him, any of the most powerful dark forces on earth who want to stand in his way, always overcoming the odds.

Seth still looks sad and resigned though. He always gets in his head about this stuff and it's hard to break through that thick tangle of doubt and anxiety sometimes. Even when Seth knows what this is, how much it means, to both of them. His heart and mind are constantly at war. Second-guessing everything. Maybe that's part of why Dean loves him, in some strange way, that he cares so damn much about making sure this works, that they're both happy, that he drives himself half-mad over it all the time.

Seth slowly brings his eyes up back to his face.

"You remember that time you looked me in the face and told me you didn't know me? I think that's the worst thing you ever said to me. I think that's what I get scared of sometimes. That maybe one day it'll be _true_. We'll just be totally different people. We won't need each other anymore." Seth's just looking at him with this terrible yearning in his eyes, like he's already imagining that day.

Dean doesn't know how to tell Seth that they've always been different people, but they've always needed each other too. That's just who they are, what this is, what it's always been. Maybe it's never made any logical sense, but it's okay. There's no simple way to describe it. It just _is_.

"I don't know how to not know you," he tells him earnestly. "Maybe it was just easier to pretend that I could move on. That I was better off. But I've known you from the first time I saw you. It's like you were inside my head. Like you were running through my veins. Permanently. I wouldn't be me without you. Even when it was the worst fucking pain I've ever felt in my life. I kept coming back. So I guess I fucking sucked at moving on too."

"But it's easier now, right?" Seth asks tentatively. Like he's almost afraid of the answer.

"I don't know. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it's fucking hard. But you're right. I _wanted_ this. And maybe I won't tomorrow. Maybe I'll come crawling back to you after I get my ass beat one too many times. But that's what it is now." 

Dean's always been better at living within the chaos, the uncertainty, than Seth is. But it's always been easier knowing that Seth's his rudder on the turbulent sea, his steady direction and his fixed point, bringing him back home every time.

Seth just smiles at him fondly now, like something's finally eased the strain on his mind. "Should've known there was no taming a wild animal like you."

"Hey, maybe you did after all," Dean says with a suggestive smirk.

"Nah, I like you wild," Seth says breathily, voice low and eyes dark.

Dean just squeezes his hand tighter in his own. "You know, wherever I am, whether I'm coming out of the crowd at Korakuen Hall, raising hell, smashing dudes' faces in, whatever, you're right there next to me."

Seth squeezes back for a moment before he brings both their hands closer to his body, presses them to the centre of his chest, his eyes steady and unblinking, looking right into Dean's. 

"I know. I can always feel you, _right here_ , whenever I feel alone or like I'm making the wrong decision or screwing everything up. You were inside me too, that whole time when everything was fucked-up. And I tried so hard to silence it but I never could. And you're still right there. As loud as my own heart."

"I always know I'm not alone," Dean tells him firmly. "Because at the end of the day, I know you'll be right here waiting for me."

"Maybe we should've moved on a long time ago," Seth says with a small shrug. "But I'm glad we didn't."

"You're damn right. You're stuck with me, Rollins," Dean says, pulling him in closer now, until Seth's head is tucked right under his chin, his arm curled around his back. He runs a gentle hand over his hair before pressing his mouth to the crown of his head. "And I wouldn't wanna be anywhere else. I'm not going anywhere. Even when I'm not here. You know that."

"Yeah, I do," Seth murmurs into his skin, cheek pressed warm and soft against his chest, eyes falling shut. Calm and content and still the realest, most solid thing Dean's ever held in his arms. 

Even when everything else is unclear, even when he can't put a name to all the wants that clench at his heart and Seth can't navigate the endless maze in his head, this is the one true constant. That makes everything go still. That will always be here to lead them back to themselves, to what really matters. They may be different people but their contrasting pieces fit just right. Like they were always meant to occupy the space next to each other. And even when he's not there, Seth lives inside him now. He's the home he's wanted his whole life, and however far he goes, he's always going to carry that with him. And he's always gonna come back.


End file.
